Stalk This Way.

Occasionally just for a change of scene, I'll go and spend some time at my aunt's place up north. I really like it up that way y'know; it's a spectacularly scenic area and the sky in particular is truly breathtaking. Sky Sports, Sky Movies, Sky Box Office – they're all there. I swear I could gaze at them all day. Genuinely incredible.

Anyway, I was staying there a few months ago for a short holiday and one night I'm just taking it easy as usual – lounging around in the early hours of the morning, flicking through the music channels, when I happen across the video for that Aerosmith single, 'I Don't Want To Miss A Thing.' Now I've never had much of an opinion on this song one way or the other frankly: it's sort of your generic, everyday, fist clenching, orchestral, movie ballad, isn't it really? Although I've heard worse to be fair, so...if it was on the radio I wouldn't turn it up, but I wouldn't turn it off, let's put it that way. Same goes for the T.V in fact, which is why I had already picked up a magazine and was simply letting the tune run casually in the background when – almost without knowing it – I heard those lyrics properly for the first time. I dunno, I think it's like that thing with magic-eye pictures, where you only really see what's hidden in there when you're sorta only half concentrating. Because it was at that precise moment I suddenly noticed that Steven Tyler opens that track with these words:

"I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch your smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming…"

Eh?? I don't care how romantic their sentiments are, if someone actually said or sang that to you, I think most people's perfectly reasonable response would be something along the lines of: "Uh…well yeah, you could I suppose...but I...I just…I'd really rather you didn't." See, you'd think at this point he might realise he's coming across as a little odd. Let's face it, who hasn't been there in the past – started a conversation badly despite having the best of intentions; there's no shame in that, everybody's done it at some point. The good news is, it's still relatively early on in proceedings, if he stopped now, he could probably make a half decent stab at salvaging the situation. He could apologise, say that wasn't quite what he meant, say it came out wrong. He could try again and hopefully do bit better so later both parties could have a good laugh about how strange he had sounded before this whole hilarious misunderstanding was cleared up. Does he do this? Does he bollocks. On the contrary as it happens, he goes ahead and cranks the crazy right up from here on out. Seriously, the chorus is even worse:

"Don't wanna close my eyes,
Don't wanna fall asleep,
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you,
The sweetest dream would never do
I'd miss you baby,
And I don't want to miss a thing."

Aw come on! That's not sweet, that's not tender, that's not moving. That's mental. It's not even so much the fact that he's just watching this poor woman sleep, which is unsettling enough, I'm more concerned by the whole, 'Don't wanna close my eyes' bit. Think about that: this man isn't closing his eyes. At all. Not for one second. Never, okay? D'you understand me, he's not even physically blinking. I mean, is that even possible? For god sake it's gotta be like four in the morning, so what exactly is it he think he's gonna miss? What's she gonna do, levitate? Spontaneously combust? Try and escape? Actually, given the circumstances, that last one probably not a bad idea. Mind you, good luck with that – remember we are dealing with a man with no apparent natural need to blink, here. Aside from anything else though, the fact remains, if you were in this woman's position and you happened to wake during the night, for whatever reason – glass of water, call of nature, full blown power ballad being blasted at you inches away from your ear – whatever, this is what you'd see staring out of the darkness at you.

Exactly. Suddenly this song's taking a whole new dimension, isn't it?...and he's not done yet, not by a long chalk. Why's he pouting like that? Ah well, get a load of this from the second verse:

"Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God were together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever"

That's right, 'kiss your eyes' There's every chance you're gonna wake up with this singing sociopath slobering all over you peepers – and I think we all know, if that happens, nobody's getting any sleep for the rest of that night. Your left over slumber time just turned into a marathon staring match against the incredible unblinking man. He doesn't want to close his eyes or fall a sleep cos he doesn't want to miss a thing; you on the other hand, you don't want to close your eyes or go to sleep in case Scary McStarey over there makes another attempt to get hot 'n' heavy with your eyeballs. Might as well accept it: it's matchsticks 'till dawn. Just for tonight though, right? Right?? Well maybe. Or maybe, 'Forever and ever.'

P.S – It's just occurred to me that he may be watching this lady so closely on account of her having a serial sleepwalking problem - in which case I've done him quite a big disservice, as in severe cases those people can unwittingly be a real danger to themselves and routinely need to be monitored. It's possible he could be doing her a big favour, regularly depriving himself of rest, all in order to look out for this woman. So if (and only if) this is indeed the reason, I would like to formally apologise to Steven Tyler for the above material. As you were Steve - you don't want to miss anything.